Welcome back Him Gang. Next on my hit list we will be divulging into the illusion that is McDonald's ice cream machines. The franchise in itself is always quick to say these two things "Our ice cream machine is broken." and "We're out of ice cream at the moment." Now I'm going to asssume you must think I'm still sipping on Similac at 21 years old if you think I believe that shit for one second. First things first, let me just ask the same question that we all want to know the answer to. Why the hell is the ice cream machine always broken? One thing that makes me want to get straight back cornrows and set it off like I'm Queen Latifah's step son is that damn ice cream machine being broken. I need answers because it's nothing like pulling up to your local McDonald's on a hot ass baby powder for the crotch Tuesday (but not for my ladies though, it causes ovarian cancer) and having your mouth fixated on getting some ice cream. It is 90 something degrees outside and the ice cream machine is broken. I mean did that shit have a heat stroke? I mean is the shit being used behind the scenes for the production of Chopped? Then, personally, I thought it was just the particular state that I live in, but it seems every damn state along the East Coast has the same dilemma.
I want to talk about what baffles me when you pull up to McDonald's and order a McFlurry or some ice cream and they say one of their infamous lines "The ice cream machine is broken". I actually just went to a McDonald's yesterday and the ice cream machine wasn't working, but they said they had shakes. Now make it make sense. How in the hell are you going to whip me up a milkshake, but the ice cream machine is down and don't give me nathaniel that's already been pre made and sitting in the walk-in cooler because it'll taste like freezer and I will know and now I'm on Corporate's ass like a Dung beetle on shit. Now everyone reading this please raise your hand behind your screen if you thought milkshakes were made with ice cream, and on that note someone please make two plus two equal four in my head because somehow you're causing me to believe it's equaling 10 in yours. Now let that confusion and turmoil set in as we act like we believe that lie the employees like to keep telling. I mean if DaeDae and them didn't want to go set up the machine just say that, but the lies have to stop.
Another infamous line: "We don't have any ice cream at the moment". At that point, all you can do is laugh to refrain from losing your mind and ending up as a new plot on Criminal Minds because in that moment all I want to do is have the person in that window meet me outside and let's duke it out like two black people fighting over the last 60in. flat screen on Black Friday. Like what the fuck did cows go extinct over night? What? Does someone have to make the ice cream from scratch in a butter churner? Like if we taking it that far, back let me telegraph a friend and call good old George Washington Carver who was making shoes out of peanuts. Maybe he can make an industrial peanut churner that churns ice cream forever because y'all know peanut oil is in everything now. I would also like to point out that's why America's obesity rate is one of the highest in the world because I really shouldn't be in my feelings like this over some ice cream, but hey rather it be ice cream then crack. Also correct me if I'm wrong, but I can't be the only one whose mind immediately thinks when they say they're out of ice cream to tell them to put some ice and some cream in a blender and make something shake. Truthfully, I'm lactose intolerant so the minute I even smell some dairy it's best if we head on toward the house otherwise we will have a shitty shituation on our hands, but don't judge me if Ethel can keep bringing that flask filled with 100 Proof telling everyone its perfume to church, then I can keep torturing my guts in peace as well Amen.
At the end of the day, McDonald's I'm demanding a change. I need that ice cream machine together unless you want me to turn into St. Louis from The Players Club minus the wheelchair. Now y'all will get a pass since fall is approaching, but by the time the Groundhog sees his own shadow that ice cream machine better be seeing better days. Maybe y'all need to get them inspected by Cherie Berry. At least I knew when I stepped foot on an elevator I was taken care of. Do what you have to do to keep that machine up and running is all I'm saying so fellow fat asses like myself can enjoy some ice cream. Now as for not having any ice cream, all I'm going to say is all Summer 2022 I'm pulling up with ice cream sitting in a cooler in my trunk and the minute you crack those lips to say you don't have any, I will gladly pull it out and sit it on the counter for you to go to the back and get to scooping because I won't be disappointed anymore. I know Covid is around, but if Trick Daddy is out here getting his ass ate and people are still not getting vaccinated, a little bit of cooler trunk ice cream won't hurt nobody. McDonald's don't say I didn't warn you.